Form & Spaciousness

It has been weeks since I have written for this blog. The form that my life has taken these past few months has been in a constant state of flux and completely unsustainable. I have often found humor in the fact that I espouse a sustainable lifestyle but on many levels fail to live up to it. Right now, I am in the process of balancing my life, setting more boundaries for myself and finishing up things that I have made commitments to. I am starting to see a more balanced life ahead of me.

The other day my 5-year-old daughter came home from a friend’s house, and she was very impressed that his family was growing strawberries. She looked at me point-blank and said, “Mom, we need to start growing food.”

I couldn’t agree with her more. In fact amidst finishing our house to sell and dealing with changing life situations, my favorite pastime, gardening with my children, has been completely neglected. I felt pangs of motherly guilt over this one, and am committed to delve into the garden next season.

Many of us, are seeking balance, wisdom and peace in our lives. About a year and a half ago I realized that there was a great discord between the life I found myself pursuing and the core of who I am. It was not the life that I longed for. At a surface level, I could have decided to ignore this gnawing feeling in my gut and kept the “peace.” Out of fear of change, I could have single-mindedly lived out my obligations, but is that all that life is? If my soul is not fulfilled, what is the quality of my life? So, I embarked on a journey (and I am still on it) not knowing all that it has or will entail or where exactly it is going—but it felt right.

Since then I have come to understand that unless I can embrace the root of who I am and trust in that feeling; unless I can live in a genuine manner, honoring myself and those around me by being true and forthcoming, I will never become what I need to be for myself, my children or my world. I want to be an example to my children of how to live an authentic life. How to be willing to embrace life even in the face of chaos. How to be strong enough to live fully.

We tend to run around not facing up to the difficulties in life, expecting things to be a certain way, and not really building for ourselves the lives that will sustain us. For me, living a life without depth, was unbearable. We hope to create a world based on sustainability and balance, but are unwilling to do the work in our own lives that will help this play out at the larger level.

I am constantly trying to evaluate how events or growth in my own personal life can be played out in the larger world. My brother was watching an interview the other night with a Texas hedge-fund investor in the oil markets. He believed that we had passed the global peak of oil and his greatest fear was a global recession. The next decade could bring chaos to many of our lives. I have always thought the most damaging effects of Peak oil on the general populace will be a psychological one. Many of us are afraid to let go of lifestyles that although, unhealthy and unsustainable, are what we have grown comfortable with, what we identify with.
But in reality, they are not who we are. The changes that Peak oil and a potential global recession might bring are at their core, a potential catalyst toward creating a more meaningful world. If we are strong enough to begin making changes now, physical, emotional and spiritual, the results might not be so catastrophic. Our product, image-driven lifestyles need to be restructured for our future survival.

I have been enjoying the writings of Eckhart Tolle lately. He talks about the two dimensions that make up reality, one is form and it is constantly changing; the other is consciousness and it is eternal. For Tolle, consciousness is deep within us all, we access it through the core of our being. He believes that this “space consciousness” is what connects us all. Tolle believes that only if humanity can embrace and begin to understand this can we become the balance, wisdom and peace that we desire.

I still find joy in friendships and experiences outside of myself. I do not always recognize that that joy is always inside of me. I have not quite gotten to the point where I can completely let go of my expectations about what my future holds, but I am trying. Sorrow and fear about my life situation and the world find me when I cannot. Who knows, maybe more gardening will help.

Below is an excerpt from Stephen Mitchell’s translation of Lao Tzu’s Tao te Ching. It is believed to have been written around 500-600 B.C.E. Its quiet beauty is a source of solace for me. I try to meditate on it daily. The Tao, of course, is Tolle’s “space consciousness.”
     
Whoever is planted in the Tao
Will not be rooted up.
Whoever embraces the Tao
Will not slip away.
Her name will be held in honour
From generation to generation.

Let the Tao be present in your life
And you will become genuine.
Let it be present in your family
And your family will flourish.
Let it be present in you country
And your country will be an example
To all countries in the world.
Let it be present in the universe
And the universe will sing.

How do I know this is true?
By looking inside myself.
          -#54 Tao te Ching